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| Sulkin’ since 1989 |
Maybe you’re one of them | You wear dark clothes, your sad eyes mope behind long dark hair that covers one side of your face. Downtrodden mannerisms are always the daily special, and these habits have developed your affinity for angsty music. Perhaps you experienced a Shakespeareian love affair that crash bombed. This caused an emotional regression that left you crippled. After that moment, a certain Dramatic weight began to cling to the very air around you. A dark cave stocked with an iPod containing Dashboard Confessional albums leaking with ‘love lost omg lyrics’ is just what you need right now. Don’t forget the eye makeup and tight clothes or you might feel like the happy and oblivious herd you’ve managed to separate yourself from. You sought out a WAY OF THE DARK SPIRIT, and for some reason all the other kids are doing it too. Cool, thinks you. I’m special.
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| “Emo is another word for adolescent confusion.” |
Maybe you’re not one of them | You’ve never heard the expression ‘Pity Party’ but you got a good chuckle out of a link your buddy sent you about ‘Punch an Emo in the Face Day’. The Emo, like the Emu, is a curious species that never has made sense to you. Emos and hippies may refer to you as a ‘Normy’ and you may want to disagree with them but you just don’t care. You call Emos “Walking ads for Prozac” and crack jokes like “I wish my lawn was Emo so it would cut itself.” You react to their antics with the same confusion as you experience when you find yourself in the same room as cosplay characters, furries, and extremely foreign people. Xenophobia grips you as their faces flash before your eyes as you fall to sleep. Lately these Emo critters are getting on your damn nerves, and upsetting your digestive tract. “What the hell are they wearing girl’s pants for?”
Maybe you’re confused by all this | It’s easy to make fun of Emos as being a waste of space, but I also hope to provide a little sidecar of education. This is for those people who don’t yet know why Emos must not be trusted with small children.
While there may be no way to solve the mystery of the emo, we can always try.
Spotting the Emo
Emos are a very unique subculture. It’s as if every morning they dress and prepare themselves with the intention of displaying their miseries, misgivings, and general botheration. This makes it easy to spot one because Emos prepare their posture, clothing, hair, and sometimes makeup before leaving their room.
In this first “how to spot an Emo” section, we’ll be looking at what display elements your town Emo uses to make it known exactly how many Dashboard Confessional albums they’ve received from their bewildered but financially supportive mothers.
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| Count the Eyes. Count the People. |
The one Eye Veil: Like dark, tinted windows, the Emo hairstyle speaks volumes about the driver within. Descriptions of this cosmetic phenomenon range from “The Dark Gate of Mordor” to “The Wall.” This “wall” of preferably dark hair covering one eye (except for Mark, who’s new at this) is useful in ways even the Emo doesn’t understand.
The dark curtains before their eyes serve as a reminder of the psychological identity they have entered. If ever they find themselves feeling oddly cheerful on a windy day, they soon realize that the hair once covering their eyes has blown behind them. When this true world is shown to them, it assaults their eyes and mind to a worldview that clashes dangerously with heartfelt poems written the night before. When the element of hair is removed from the unbalanced equation of Emoness, the aspects of detachment, aversion to eye contact, and the Emo’s ever-present desire to consort with like-minded (and like-haired) Emos are thrown out of wack.
Hiding behind this cloak, often made thicker from days of neglect, the Emo has created a nest of comforting invisibility. It puts them in a place corresponding to their desire for emotional insulation or in some cases complete detachment. It has consequences for everything from depth perception to face-to-face communication with Normys (non-Emos). “Shoe Gazers” is a popular nickname for Emos because those on the more extreme spectrum maintain a staredown of their patched chucks even during conversation. Combine this bewildering shoegazing with a greasy black spinnaker flowing down an Emo’s face and you’ll be lucky to see the whites of their cryin’ eyes.
For a livejournal page devoted to Hair similar to those above, click here.
MySpace’s Bane
During the painful couple hours of my life when I was doing “research” to discover why MySpace is a failure of humanity I learned much more than I wanted to. For one, I learned how to contain dry heaves while clicking through the few profiles I could stomach, and secondly, I learned that there’s many more social groups I don’t understand.
I may have had some fun at the expense of Goths, but I stopped myself from screaming bloody taunts at the social identity on MySpace most people have come to hate. You guessed it…they’re Emos… and they fill their pages with things like this.
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| Rip Stabby Stab |
It was hard to determine if there were any clans who banded together in a unilateral decision to take massive craps on their MySpace pages, so I thought it more fitting to keep my “research” to the obvious issues I have with the site: the degeneration of language, advertisements, pre-adolescent whiny issues, and other things I find sad.
From an overwhelming number of comments, emails, and as it turns out, MySpace messages I received, it seems people find Emos the number one culprit for the depressing state MySpace has found itself in.
Identity
Identity is a major part of the Emo. They are saturated with the “Who am I” question and it consumes them. Because the largest emo population can be found among those who are just joining the adolescent club (13-17 year olds), it can be seen (in its most extreme forms) as a hilarious offshoot from normal psychological development. I’m all for self-discovery and ‘finding onseself.’ I’m down with the ‘Know thyself’ advice, but when identity becomes the person it’s time to rethink things.
No matter the decade, there will always be the ‘Rebellious youth.’ They may be manifested in Newsies or existentialist college students from the 1920s. These emos have brewed a formula of stanky rebelliousness that distances them from whatever reality they were once uncomfortable with.
The saddest things about emos is the way that tend to fake depression. It makes the people with serious depression even more depressed. We’d think about them differently if there was a cultural movement that tended to fake Cancer as a part of their identity.
Consulting the Literature
You’d be surprised how many people find time to make fun of Emos. Second to Bush Bashing, creative assaults on the Emo demographic are being spat out every day. But some take their job very seriously. Any Emo anthropologist must read these fine works of social history:
- Fourfa.com – The Emo Style
- Wikipedia – Emo Music (especially the ‘Backlash‘ chapter)
The better-informed rants read something like this:
The “emo-kid” is what one can equate to the new version of the hippie. Both are defined as a large group of people who all pretty much look the same from a personal expression perspective, are part of a movement that either stands for nothing or accomplishes nothing, and are generally looked down upon by a thinking society. From behind it’s often hard to tell “Emo-boy A” from “Emo-girl B” because they probably are identical down to the hair, mannerisms, and pants style. Imagine a metrosexual style for teens that includes pity party get-togethers and you’re pretty much there. What irritates me most is their “In your face” attitude when confronted by the fact that they are following a spreading epidemic and are not as they think “original “or “anti-establishment”. It’s like those damn Apple-jacks commercials where they acted cocky because they know they don’t taste like apples, but they like them so deal with it square! In almost a poetic twi st of fate, I see that Hot-Topic ( a GAP subsidiary to begin with ) is changing over from Goth stylings to more Emo as time goes on.
Videos Speak Out
It’s extremely easy to search through Youtube for things with ‘Emo’ in it, but you’ve likely never heard of EmoKid21Ohio. He’s a special case. He’s from England, and managed to fool thousands of subscribers to his videos on YouTube into thinking he was a sad kid from Ohio. He had sad sad posts about him being locked out of his house and the ensuing anguish. Eventually someone found his real identity and posted his MySpace page. Below you’ll find his final post where his British accent emerges after a fake BBC news bulletin:
There are also long videos that serve as good primers to the Emo’s ridiculousness. They put a lot of effort into these things:
And here’s a randomly selected ‘Emos suck’ video post.
So what?
Party on Wayne. And cheer up Emo kid. There’s more to life than being sad.
The emo subculture is dying out. It’s been eradicated from most large cities in America but still exists in small town pockets. Places I’d like to be known as ‘One Headlight Pity Parties.’
Soon there will only be the jokes and the videos stuck on YouTube making fun of them. Like the way of the Goths of the 1980s, and the Bronchiosaus of the Permian age, the Emo will fade and a new annoyance will rise.
Related
A Scientific Approach to Myspace’s Failure.
Recent News Articles with the term ‘Emo’
Wisconsin State Journal’s Definition of Emo
Emo Hairstyles
Links:
How emo are you? … with questions like: “How many pins on your messenger bag?”
Pictures from:
myspace.com/codyisemo
somethingawful.com
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38 Comments
Haha, another great one. These are always funny.
danny,
the moneydick is lookin good. and not because you put a picture of vito as the example of how not to be emo.
miss you, see you so soon,
rachel
THIS SUCKED BIG BALLS.
EMOS ARE MISUNDERSTOOD NOT ATTENTION SEEKING PRICKS
SCREW U COCKS
I wish I’d burn into a charcoal briskett so I’d alway be dark and black – this burned me up inside – now I am sad
this sounds like it’s written by hippie-and-emo-phobes who are completely ignorant and up their own holes. get a life! slagging groups of people because you have nothing better to do than judge people you don’t know? you digust me. and hippies and emos are completely different, im both, emos dont necessarily have hippie beliefs about saving the earth or veganism, lots of ‘emos’ are vegans to help with the anorexic look, these are just the ones who want to fit in. hippies/emos like me are vegans because we’re nice people goveg.com peta2.com and stop fucking taking the piss please do you wanna know why emos are depressed? because of people like you bitch
I wish my lawn was emo, then it would cut itself
tsss heb ik hier net een heel verhaal zitten typen, snapte ik dat add dit bij dat stuk niet, slimme actie. maarja ik zei dus: te droog dat al die wannabe emos helemaal opgefokt rageren, echt zo niet tegen je verlies kunnend. emo’s zijn wannabe’s, wannabe heel depressief en mysterieus lijkend. en… (dat is gewoon heel complex). lekker voor je dat je dit niet kan lezen:p
dada :)
ps heel samenhangend verhaal ofzo…
and now, for all the people who don’t understand dutch (really, you guys should be ashamed)the same story in englisch: GREAT!, all thos emo people being offended by this, and feeling like they have to stand up for themselfes and write someting that makes them seem very cool and smart (they think)-I just got a SUPERB idea, i’m going to ad this site to my english reading list (I have to read 3750 english words :s)(like you care:p)
dada:)
ps don’t think I’m some kind of emo hater, i like emo hair (SOMETIMES)(But absolutely hate the nailpolisch-that’s for girls) do think you’re misunderstood: you are, so be it . and don’t be so wannabe emo, emo. okey, really, i’m going to stop ruining this site (sorry). pps. please write your next article about wiccan (wannabe’s)
for the last time : dada :)
Just so people know, not all emos are like that! Most of the ‘emos’ i know try to hard to be emo, going around acting depressed and making up false failments of love, those i personally hate (btw im emo) because they ruin things for us. The truth is that most true emos dont slit their wrists, thats just the attention seeking wannabe’s.
yeah, i agree with that, but not all emos that cut themselvesare attention seeking. i do. but i dont go parading it off “look at me, im emo i cut myselgf!!!” im emo and i cut myself, but i dont do it for attention.
Loved the site, very entertaining! I guess I have sort of a love/hate relationship with the emo-style. I’ve been accused of dressing “emo,” but hard-core emo kids would strongly disagree with that. I do fit almost perfectly into the emo culture because I really do have chronic depression, and I used to cut myself. I hate how some emo kids fake depression and cut themselves as to fit in. Cutting is a serious problem, not a stupid fashion trend. So please, stop the whole fake depression thing, it’d make it alot easier for people who actually do deal with depression.
I agree w/ it but like some other peoplez said, i cut myself but not for attention. i actually hide the cuts under wristbands and long sleves.
emo r rely depressing ppl 2 me
why cut yourself??????, it’s just stupid, I mean, it’s like being sad and hurt on purpose, why would you w?°nt your life to suck like that????
look, I’v read every1s comments bout this. The truth is th@ yea u guys r all right 2 a certain extent. Sum ppl do try n act emo to fit n, and honestly, th@s friggn retarded! 2 all o u th@ do th@, PLEAZ STOP! if ur not REALLY this way, u’ll nvr b as happy hangn out w us as w ppl th@ really ARE like u. 4 the sake o those o us th@ rly r emo, we r TRYIN 2 get thru watevers happenin n our lives 2 make us feel ths way, it doesn’t help wen ppl post stupid crap bout us. Cutting is NOT a game, if ur treatn it like it is, u bettr stop b4 it gets a hold o u! It’s been medically proven 2 b one o the HARDEST addictions 2 get free frm. So dn’t kid urself, u can’t jus KEEP fakn it w/out comin out w sum REAL issues. 4 evrybody else, I dnt care if ur not like us! it dsn’t make a dif n my life, I’m not trying to make fun o u 4 it! So please! Lay off the emo crap!
…..p.s. WE ARE NOT HIPPIES!!lol
l8r.
The irony of this all is that some emo kid will read the bashing on this page and sulk about how misunderstood they are.
Why do people have problems with emos??
I’m not emo myself but I don’t have a problem with them.
They can do what they like anyway, who are you to say things about how someone acts?
You guys don’t understand me!
i’m not emo, or am i. i don’t dress myself like you, but i’m sad of the life, and wan’t to cry. but i can’t still not, i hate myself. and don’t understand myself. i cut myself in pain, to feel that i’m alive and can die.
I’m glad I’m so eccentric that you can’t rightly categorize me as any one thing in particular. I’ve got nothing against wearing what you like, but the culture behind it is eh…childish to me. The point of the underdog is not to be made mainstream. That made me not want to deal with anything that could be considered goth back when it got popular, even though I liked the look. And for FUCK’S SAKE, PLEASE LEARN HOW TO SPELL, YOU STUPID, STUPID PEOPLE. like omg u r 2 pised FUCK YOU! IT GIVES ME A FUCKING HEADACHE! YOU’RE MORE OF A DISGRACE THAN WANNA BE EMOS!
YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lullllz.
Also quite good, though you didn’t seem to touch on the evolution of the “cliffhanger” skater haircut of the late 80’s/early 90’s that became adopted by this “subculture” or the idea that the “cliffhanger” was really just a lazy mohawk, which I believe started (among whites) in the late 60’s. Hair is like, so important, man.
This is hilarious. For those “emo” kids who are actually claiming that they are emo on here cracks me up. It’s like, not only do you dress the part, and wallow in your own self pity, but you have to get on an anti-emo website and stick up for yourselves. News flash… no one feels bad for you, but YOU!! hahaha. Cheer up emo kid! Life is too short to be acting like a pussy!
im sick of u hipa crits u guys r fuckin retards u sterotype bitches
if you think it’s been eradicated from most major cities, you’ve never been to boston…
Hahaha.
I love how everyone thinks I’m emo, only I’m totally not like this.
So funny :’D
I resent the fact you call emo’s the new hippies. Like you said they’re both part of a movement wich stands for nothing or accomplishes nothing but that’s about where similaraties stop.
for the rest you’re pretty much dead on.
but by posting this judgemental whiney rant on the web you are about just as bad.
stop the fuckin hatred on emo kids and get a life emos are people to
I know the guy you used for the myspace picture. He’s actually not that emo, just looks it. He used to go to my highschool.
ok this is so fucking gay! stop talkin shit and get a lyf……emo r probably 10 times better than u fucking losers neway
Fucking emos make my friends think my depression’s a fucking act. Unlike these trend-following, spoon-fed, corporate cock-gobbling, myspace-hogging, pop-social identifaggots, I have something to be feeling like shit about. I have real problems. Your dickless attitudes makes us people with real problems look like a fucking joke. Thanks, fucknuts.
Though little off the topic still to cheer up all depressed guys and specially for those who admire long hair on women I would suggest to visit http://www.indianrapunzels.com and I don’t think this will depress you. Thanks
ok , 1st of all yes im emo , 2ndly FTW i mean that in a specific way , 3rd i am a manic depresant , im not greatly social , and some of this stuff is really pissin’ me off! , obviously you have to be an idiot to think emos made this site they made it probably so when emos look stuff up it would take them here.i used to be gothic before i heard about emo , now i know , and it fits me perfectly.and i like it , yah i kan get aggresive/violent ik thats not exactly the emo thing to do. nd ik ppl r gonna say y u even trying to say anithing , well its bkause the truth is if theres NO deperession in chuer lyfe ur NOT EMO!Duh!!!!!!!!!!!! yourea poser obviously! does anione kno how many idiots would outnumber , the population. its not lyke we arent already brainwashed!this iz y i might as well b dead bkause i try to take a stand , and it goes nowhere. im hoppless.!. i wuz emo b4 i knew wat it waz , but i nevr knew that , basically i was a depressed goth….im an outcast aniway , nd i dont kare.!I DONT DO IT FOR ATTENTION EITHER!”( in wayz i hate attention)”i dont kare wut ani1 thinks bout this ,or meh, evry1 has an opinion , but that doesnt make it rite. nd i mean im surprised aniway , that this many emos compaired to so called;”norms”;(slang i really dont use much,) actually commented.theirs so much i wunt to say , but this is getting old , nd long , so im gonna cut the crap!kuz i forgot*cries* =’< / MANY ppl dont get that ; “ITS NOT THE EMO , ITS THE PERSON” , but ppl who dont kare bout the person , nd hates them kuz the label well , i guess theyre not that tru either! and thats reality so yew kan either take that for wat its worth , or lie to urself for the rest of ur (FAKE) lyfe.emo is a label , so is goth , but how is it a label!?….SOMEONE BASED/OR DECLAIRED IT AS ONE!….just as emo wouldnt be wut it is now if it wusnt based/or declaired. SO , for now , thank you if you listened/read wut i had to say , with so many things enclosed in my life i had to get this out!BTW, im not a poser , think that , nd theres probably ovr 100 , or more wayz i kan prove you wrong !, proably more than i kan count , mabey even things i dont kno about myself…also , mah dad waz a hippie! but they had bad style. ok , finally ; BYE!
Anyone who says they are emo, are stupid. Anyone who says they hate emo people, are equally stupid. Anyone who thinks poprock and post hardcore bands are emo based on their fringes, are stupid. Those that recognise that emo is a vast and mostly underground variant of hardcore punk, now often combined with post rock elements, whether they hate it or not, are not so stupid.
Either way, this article was pretty funny.
Hi everyone. I read all of your posts and i dont think that cursing each other or feeling defensive is the answer. I remember when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s every generation goes through some changes in their looks, clothing, behavior, etc. Everyone experiences the “identity crisis” until they reach an age and figure it all out. I’m not “emo” and i dont mind the way they dress or want to express themselves. The problem comes in when your hurting yourselves. All ppl deal with some type of depression in their lifetime but I guess ppl can see “emo” ppl as pity parties b/c others do deal with their depression by therapy, medication, meditation, or something else positive. To cut yourselves or say, well i do it b/c im depressed is an excuse. And it ends there. You dont take any steps to help yourselves but instead continue with that behavior. Life can be very difficult and I as a child went through my things too and felt depressed and scared of life in general but i did seek help when i needed it and actually did alot of prayers for myself and yes today, i am a nurse and 41 years old. I’m not here to judge or name call anyone. I just thought I would leave a note for the many of you who feel the depression that sometimes feels so overwhelming and let you know that God does love you and sometimes when something appears so bad, in all actuality wont appear the same as you become an adult. Keep your faiths b/c there is something special in all of you. You just need to stick around to find out what it is and what Gods purpose is for your lives. And to the ppl who want to knock ppl who are “emo” or “anything else for that matter” REMEMBER what Jesus Christ said, “Those who are without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone”. So ppl remember to not be judgmental with your words b/c how can “emo” or any other person in need find God if it cant be heard in your comments or seen in your eyes. God Bless to all of you on this post.
Who hasn’t known a tight pants wearing EMO in their day?