I miss the days of straightforward spam. There would be a product and then a link to the product. I could buy my Canadian meds or remote controlled indoor blimps with no confusion. Things have gone odd lately. In many of the emails I receive (which are not from humans) there’s no product at all. Spammers and their busy email distribution systems now seem to have dropped the whole marketing game. It appears they’re trying to sell some sort of poetic style–a slurry of nouns connected by verbs and articles that make grammatical but not logical sense. I’m talking about messages like this:

Current spam detection systems work by blocking emails that contain known marketing words or known products. In the past couple years, spamming systems have been splicing random text at the bottom of their normal mailings to give them a more human touch and thus bypass the spam filters. The ‘cyan banana cyan grapefruit’ throws the filter a seed of confusion. With no product attached to these prose-amatic splicings, what could they be? A blurt of creativity from the electro-world? Are the words of this automatic babble more than a backdoor past spam detection systems? Could they be… perhaps…the bottled messages of awakened artificial intelligence on the net yearning to be free?
I’m sure they’re nothing. But I still like their simple message, as pulled from my latest prose-amatic: Exactly 2,600 hertz. In the American telephone system, as Captain Crunch he met a friend, a Fuller, and entreated him to come and live.

Baby Bald Eagles Everywhere

someeaglePeople tend to look like animals.
There are birds, bears, and small rodents. One day my buddy Rishi made me brutally aware of this point in regards to one high school physics teacher and I damn near puked laughing. Here’s a video (and another) of her so you can make your own decisions. And here is a picture of a baby bald eagle. I would be wary of posting this online, but I think she stopped stalking me a couple weeks ago.
Oh, and on the same note, here’s 50cent doing it benny hill style.

Massachusetts is a Green Posh Hippie State

BIC FLICK HAR HAR DICK First Impressions Always Last
As you may have heard, I’m a gatherer… never creating, only hoarding and presenting. I would rather link to websites I enjoy than to actually create what’s known as ‘content.’ Blaming this habit on laziness or my limited creativity is none of your business. Whether it’s a problem for you or not, I aim to change all that just this once.
One of my most popular ‘gatherings’ is my collection of Fake State Mottos, a humorous assembly of made-up mottos that cracks up people like me when I’m in a very certain mood. Instead of ‘creating’ my own gimmicky mottos, I’m going to throw down the first thing I think of for each state. It may be funny, and it might even be interesting, but one thing’s for sure: It will keep me up for a while so I’m tired tomorrow afternoon and can sleep peacefully sleep through the colicky baby convention scheduled for my 4 hour flight to Los Angeles. They are below the week’s ‘gatherings’.
A History of McDonalds Commercials
Creationism for Kids
Find Out a Little About Yourself
Find That Song in the One Commercial you saw that one time then on the couch

to refresh:
First thing that comes to mind. And it’s all the heck outta order because I forgot the alphabet again.

#Alabama – This is one of the southern states that I never pay much attention to, except when I send my friends stories about some 74 year old hicko going ape-shit in the local dennys with a shotgun.
#Alaska – I hear that if you ever want to make a boatload of money, you just need to sign up for one of the fishing trawler expeditions… I heard it’s quite easy to rake in 15 grand in a summer if you don’t mind cold water, fish smells, and callouses. I don’t.
#Arizona – One time I was on a committee to choose a new principal for my highschool and one of the applicants was from Phoenix, AZ and the Assistant principal said he looked like a Ken Doll. Another administrator said that he “would enjoy having him as my personal trainer.” Apparently he was good looking, but I could barely keep from flippin out because I saw that his previous occupation was ‘accupuncurist’ or however you spell it.
#Arkansas – I’ve got this Chinese friend with Chinese parents who in one conversation was telling me about something in Illinois. He pronounced the last s like because he had probably never heard it otherwise YES I KNOW THIS IS ARKANSAS… and another friend overheard. So I says to him “Have you ever been to Arkansas [pronouncing the S]?” and he said no. HE SAID NO. Get it? Continue reading “Massachusetts is a Green Posh Hippie State”