First Impressions Always Last
As you may have heard, I’m a gatherer… never creating, only hoarding and presenting. I would rather link to websites I enjoy than to actually create what’s known as ‘content.’ Blaming this habit on laziness or my limited creativity is none of your business. Whether it’s a problem for you or not, I aim to change all that just this once.
One of my most popular ‘gatherings’ is my collection of Fake State Mottos, a humorous assembly of made-up mottos that cracks up people like me when I’m in a very certain mood. Instead of ‘creating’ my own gimmicky mottos, I’m going to throw down the first thing I think of for each state. It may be funny, and it might even be interesting, but one thing’s for sure: It will keep me up for a while so I’m tired tomorrow afternoon and can sleep peacefully sleep through the colicky baby convention scheduled for my 4 hour flight to Los Angeles. They are below the week’s ‘gatherings’.
A History of McDonalds Commercials
Creationism for Kids
Find Out a Little About Yourself
Find That Song in the One Commercial you saw that one time then on the couch
First thing that comes to mind. And it’s all the heck outta order because I forgot the alphabet again.
#Alabama – This is one of the southern states that I never pay much attention to, except when I send my friends stories about some 74 year old hicko going ape-shit in the local dennys with a shotgun.
#Alaska – I hear that if you ever want to make a boatload of money, you just need to sign up for one of the fishing trawler expeditions… I heard it’s quite easy to rake in 15 grand in a summer if you don’t mind cold water, fish smells, and callouses. I don’t.
#Arizona – One time I was on a committee to choose a new principal for my highschool and one of the applicants was from Phoenix, AZ and the Assistant principal said he looked like a Ken Doll. Another administrator said that he “would enjoy having him as my personal trainer.” Apparently he was good looking, but I could barely keep from flippin out because I saw that his previous occupation was ‘accupuncurist’ or however you spell it.
#Arkansas – I’ve got this Chinese friend with Chinese parents who in one conversation was telling me about something in Illinois. He pronounced the last s like because he had probably never heard it otherwise YES I KNOW THIS IS ARKANSAS… and another friend overheard. So I says to him “Have you ever been to Arkansas [pronouncing the S]?” and he said no. HE SAID NO. Get it?
California – This is my state, so the first thing I think of is: Holy crap my state is the best. I’m sure you would think so to if you lived there. I generally think of the coastal areas as worthwhile. Drifting inland is drifting towards certain death unless you’re driftin towards a national park or Lake Tahoe, which Nevada is trying to steal.
Colorado – I have a really awesome Cousin who lived in Denver who is the world expert on the Grasses of Colorado. She wrote the book(s) on it, or so I hear. One more thing: It’s where sunshine and joy falls back to earth after it strikes the sandy shores of California on its merry way towards Australia. no, I don’t know where that outburst came from.
Connecticut – Once we get into these small Eastern States, I don’t even care. They could all be one and we really wouldn’t care. Am I right?
Delaware – The birthplace of a sad nation. I don’t know crap about this place except that there’s relaxed business taxes and when I start my own corporation I’m gonna buy me a small office with two monkeys and a telephone so I can save me some dough.
Florida – Orange Juice. Not much else. I’m not gonna say old people, but they seem to like it there, right? I feel like no one in that state is ever really serious about much.
Georgia – A pretty state, but how much is that worth these days?
Hawaii – It’s like our own nation thousands of miles away. When travelling to Hawaii, reevaluate your conception of relaxation, because it will reevaluate you.
Idaho – Potatoes and dirt
Illinois – See Arkansas. The last remnant of superior Cherokee grammar systems.
Indiana – I like saying ‘We’re in Nascar Country now, boy’
Iowa – I haven’t heard this state in any context, language, or even seen it writeen for as long as time itself. I’m sure there’s a conpiracy behind that.
Kansas – Should I bother. I was raised to hate anyone from Kansas, to tell you the truth.
Kentucky – People here like horses. They also don’t have any buildings over 4 stories tall. Or SO THE LEGEND GOES.
Louisiana – Some day I’d like to go here. All I can envisage are heaps of shrimp in a jambalaya of breasts and booze.
Maine – Oh it’s up there all right. Damn near in Canada. I enjoy the taste of certain Raspberry Jams that ship from this locale.
Maryland – On the Chesapeake, I used to spend time poking jellyfish on stony shores all the while wishing I was one. This same sandy shore I speak of, I used to shoot arrows straight in the air, and then make sure that they didn’t hit me on their way down.
Massachusetts – This is there I am now. I’m in Williamstown, kicking the can with Cousins of the triplet variety. They have three llamas, two cats, a ferret, and a bunny between them. Their backyard is a 14 acre meadow that is bordered by a cemetary, a stream, and a house that I swear is way outta sight. They’re 20 minutes from the Applachian trail, and 10 minutes from Williams college. I better stop now.
Michigan – This one’s hard. how about… FOOTBALL and Ice Scrapers
Minnesota – Garrison Keilor and Lake Wobegon and something about rhubarb pie.
Mississippi – Sawyer, finn, and Twainy type adventures. They just discovered fire, but so did I.
Missouri – At the age of 9 I travelled to the outskirts of the outskirts of St. Louis to visit my great grandmother Opal Fergusson. My sister and I caught fireflies, and hid behind trucks when the neighbor folk putted by on all terrain vehicles we wished we could ride.
Montana – I heard about farmers who were leaving hummingbird feeders were inadvertedly killing them because they stayed too long into the fall suckling on the sweet teat of their blind benevolence.
Nebraska – See Iowa.
Nevada – This place is dry and ugly. But there’s some skiing there. Don’t get me started about Vegas. It’s fun for some people, but I would probably shoot myself there.
New Hampshire – I have no clue. See Connecticut
New Kersey – I don’t understand the streotypes. I know great folks from this state. They don’t wear garbage for clothes, and most come from fancy pantsy areas–ritzyness that most people know little about.
New Mexico – It was snowing. We had just stopped for a hot dog at some little stand or something. There were gorgeous cliffs of red sand on three sides of the car. The hot dog drips out of my hand in an existentialist tumble. No one notices as I chuck it out the window, murdering a mongoose. oh. But seriously, I could live in this state someday. Maybe right after my artist phase as I’m approaching my mid 30s rock climbing phase. This is before my ‘internet degree MBA telecommute CEO’ phase. Nah, I don’t have phases.
New York – I’ve spent a lot of time in Union Vale, Poughkeepsie, and New York in this state, but I most associate this state with rental cars and country roads, motorhomes and mud, and frogs, salamanders and rain. There’s a lot to do in this place. As it turns out, I’ve got some pondland in this state, and I’ve learned a lottabout el Hudson valle.
North Carolina – It’s north of something.
North Dakota – Go here to freeze and/or die. The Norwegian ancestry would be much better off if they could start a rad norwy commune and secede.
Ohio – Couple houses on a hill overlooking the Wright Brothers and they think they’re nuts. And they still would if they didn’t get all their booze jambalaya via jumbo jet direct from Louisiana.
Oklahoma – Didn’t like the play, hate the state. Actually the play was alright but I still hate the state.
Oregon – Witches everywhere, and hippies in between the cracks. I say that in a nice way.
Pennsylvania – Coal and trees. The trees die, the coal makes. The coal burns, the earth quakes.
Rhode Island – don’t think there’s anything legit about this state.
South Carolina – Whiskey and music to celebrate sour mash to.
South Dakota – No better than its northern bedfellow.
Tennessee – I think the color yellow. Don’t ask me why. Coulda been because my ‘Read a Map – Eat and Learn’ Placemat painted tn as yellow. California was red, and was always out from under my plate on the left side. I punctured Los Angeles with a toothpick, and the hole never healed.
Texas – Oil and dust, dreams undying, failure-prone. Riding mowers and rural relaxation.
there’s a lot of states, aren’t htere
Utah – blah blah blah blah skiing, blah blah mormons, something salty
Vermont – I made a wrong turn in a blizzard last winter and I found myself in Vermont. It wasn’t much, because I couldn’t see shit.
Virginia – Noble, forever. but flawed in that It’s Virginia and nothing will ever change that.
Washington – Seattle is a fine town, and Port Townsend has a Masonic lodge that holds all the secrets. Don’t ask me though.
West Virginia – On the map (in my mind) it looks like a dro pof jku in skjijlkl. Too bad you don’t speak my mind language.
Wisconsin – Headlights. Auto Unions. They OWN the place.
Wyoming – A man on a horse. But he looks sad because he wishes he were in COlorado away from all the freakin dust and prairie grass full of Chiggers and broken glass.
Montana – yeeeehaw